Day #8: Soooo...

Its about lunchtime and I'm starving.

Today is a holiday, so we have no school, which is fantastic!


I have something to write about...guess what it has to do with? Yep, music:)


And choir. Mostly choir. Which is music, so we're all good.
First, things I know:
1. I love playing guitar (I don't get to very often in choir, but I do occasionally, and I hopefully will more as my skill level progresses).
2. I love singing (Sometimes aka most of the time, I would rather sing in a different range, but singing in that range in good for me, and it's challenging).
3. I will take any excuse to sing and any chance to play my guitar (unless if I'm given lots of spotlight) because I love it that much. When I'm bored, when I'm thinking about things, when I'm angry, when I want to get away from everyone, when I'm happy, when I'm alone, even when I'm tired, I play guitar or sing...or usually both.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all this. Let me try again.

Even typing this feels like I'm violating my own trust, but here goes: Playing guitar and singing is something deeply personal to me. Because every emotion I feel, any time I play, it relaxes me, it brings me comfort, and it makes me feel good about myself. not that I can do it WELL, but that I DO it. So sometimes I want to play for me friends and family. I'm like, "hey, look what I can do, doesn't this sound awesome?" or I simply want someone, anyone, to hear what I'm working on, because it gives it more meaning: it brings me and them together, it gives us something to talk about.

On the other hand, I don't want to feel pressured into playing/singing, because it's something I do for myself. It's MY thing. And I feel like they're invading my personal space when all their eyes turn on me. Or when I'm in choir and I have to stand higher then everyone else, I feel like my boundaries are being violated. I don't know why, I just do. To describe it more thoroughly, I feel like I'm being pushed into an uncomfortable position (because I'm not used to standing that high up, and being able to see everyone I can see) then told to dig into my personal space even further, and sing out so everyone can hear me, even the people in the choir.

Now, singing into a mic in the choir loft with the church full of people? No problem, I can't see them each individually, so the numbers don't seem as bad. Stand behind the folks in the choir loft, and sing so everyone up there can hear me? Not on your life. With all their judging eyeballs? I'll pass, thanks.

I wouldn't say I'm afraid of their judgment, more like...I don't want a reputation as the girl who sings (poorly or not). I don't want anyone to set standards for me, that I'd feel like I have to live up to. Before I get any sort of reputation, I want to be sure of myself. I'm the only one who can decide when that self-confidence in my musical capabilities comes, and it hasn't come yet.
I don't want to be the best, or ever feel like I've reached the top. Once I reach the top, I tend to start slacking on whatever it is. I want to have something to show for myself, when I say "I love playing guitar and singing" I want other people to be able to see it.

So I guess that's my goal. Without intentionally pointing out that I love playing guitar and singing, I want people to realize how much I love it when they hear me.

I'm not sure how I got all the way from choir to my goal, but I managed so here it is. Post number 8.

Later,